Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

Godspeed, John Glenn

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

Worst perfume name ever.

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

In Canada they just call them geese

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping