Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

Google Pay be like:

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s