*approaches girl in bar*
*passes right through her*
*i’ve been dead for 73 years*

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HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.


So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??


Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.


“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?


[first date]
ME: are you having fun
DATE: yes i am
ME: *hands menu back to waiter* i will also have the fun


*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.


Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.