a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
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I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Me My dog
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
fly smarter, not harder
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it