HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
*approaches girl in bar*
*passes right through her*
*i’ve been dead for 73 years*
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Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
ME: are you having fun
DATE: yes i am
ME: *hands menu back to waiter* i will also have the fun
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
PSA: don’t write papers hammered and then turn them in like me🙃
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.