Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

When you try jalapeños for the first time

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

How I’d get arrested…

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.