Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”