@GrantTanaka

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

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@Donna_McCoy

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

@dom_dot_dom

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

@SomeChrisTweets

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

@CantWaitToNap

I only order the essentials from Amazon.

*Opens new HD Special Ops Vision Glasses*

@joejwest

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

@notalogin

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

@fraservalleyjay

Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door I say “Hey! Sorry I’m late.”

@TheSharona06

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

@stockejock

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁