[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
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the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Wikigenius
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.