Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

Ha.

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?