My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
These aliens are taking forever.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food