Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

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