Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR