Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa