Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

yes… yes…

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

Yoga Matt

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”