Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

I laughed at this way too hard.

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

mood

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

Hard not to take this personally

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.