Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

never ask a starfish for directions

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word