Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

I bet birds love this building.

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.