Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.