*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
You Might Also Like
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.