Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

got so much cardio in today

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”