[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
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Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server