Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

Body by Oreos

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

🤣

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

oppen heimer style lol