[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
You Might Also Like
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I hope Alan is OK
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Guantanamo Bae
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying