[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Deer are just ballerina dogs
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”