approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week