approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Dietest Coke
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me buying fruit and veg
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me irl
