approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Do one person every day that scares you.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope