@mollypriddy: approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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@stephenjmolloy: Wife: I just heard something downstairs. Me: It's just the wind. Wife: Go and see. Me: You can't see wind, Claire.
@Parkerlawyer: Client, "I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito."
@aecide: Omg someone broke into my professor's house & stole his laptop so my class today has been cancelled. I gotta find this person & thank him.