approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I had to Stop for this
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.