approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.