Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
It’s an epidemic…
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
oh my god
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies