Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

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I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)