Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
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My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean