April 1st is the class clown of days.
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Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.