April 1st is the class clown of days.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
