April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
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What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Story time
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive