April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
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Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.