Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.