Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.