April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
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My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
the composer
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.