Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

Nomnomnomnom

Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!

Phone camera: lol is it?

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)