April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
You Might Also Like
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.