April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
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[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Ah..makes sense now
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
