April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
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9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Tier 3 meme
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I have obtained a hat
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
❤️❤️❤️
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN