April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.