Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone trying to leave me

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats