Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

I’m never leaving this app.

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.