Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
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My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Yes
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]