Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
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when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
this is the news I live for
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
i want enemies
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.