Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
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[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
*launders Kohls cash*
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them