inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
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It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
they really do be looking like this
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
😂 amazing answer
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.