Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Barbie gone wild

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

Simple enough.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.