Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
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One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
happy mother’s day❤️
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.