Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
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Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
⚠️ Important Reminder:
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)