Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
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I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.
Every New Year: I hope you change.
Every birthday: I hope you never change.
*internal confusion intensifies*
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.