Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
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Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Friday night party time 🥳
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?