@Social_Mime

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

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@adamzopf

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

@EndhooS

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

@Dani_Feld

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

@KolbyEatWorld

Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.

@iGreenGod

Every New Year: I hope you change.

Every birthday: I hope you never change.

*internal confusion intensifies*

@stephenjmolloy

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

@HMittelmark

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

@MarfSalvador

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

@jimmy_sharpe

Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.