[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
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When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}