Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.