Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
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*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it