Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You sound like a broken record.

12:

Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.