Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

Tell the colonel to bring it

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

I am having an out of money experience.

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

Grandmother clock.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.