Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”