Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”