@ProdigyNelson

[aquarium]
Me: “That’s a lot of octopussies to occupy a tank.”
Guide: “it’s octopi.”
Me: “Oh..that’s a lot of octopussies to octopi a tank.”

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@NewDadNotes

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

@SaddleLawman

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

@peanusts

elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body

@ADHDeanASL

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

@GrowlyGrego

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

@NamikTan

Donald Trump’s “perfect” letter to Santa. Via @NewYorker

@InternetHippo

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

@chelliet22

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*