My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
me logging onto twitter
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Meanwhile in Portland…
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.