Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

Milk Cube

hey, alexa

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible