Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

😭🤣

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.