Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
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It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Finally, an explanation.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today