Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Me when someone tries to get to know me

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing