Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
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me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.