Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!
My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
