Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
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If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What