Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’

Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

Guilty! 🤪

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses