Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing