Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst