Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks