[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting