Aragorn: “You have my sword.”

Legolas: “And my bow.”

Gimli: “And my axe.”

Me: “And my children, all of them – ok at least just one. Wait, where are you all going?”

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i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way


So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.


I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.


I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.


Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?


One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.


When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything


I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Sarah McLachlan.

Will I murder you?

Will I adopt a puppy with you?

You don’t know.


Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.