i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Aragorn: “You have my sword.”
Legolas: “And my bow.”
Gimli: “And my axe.”
Me: “And my children, all of them – ok at least just one. Wait, where are you all going?”
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So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.
It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Sarah McLachlan.
Will I murder you?
Will I adopt a puppy with you?
You don’t know.
are frogs lazy?
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.
●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.