Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

Frankenstein?

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.