Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.